When You’re the Default Parent: A Therapist’s Tips for Navigating Resentment
You’re the one who remembers the pediatrician appointments, the birthday party RSVPs, and that your toddler only eats the blue yogurt, not the green one—even though they’re the same flavor. You probably know the shoe sizes of everyone in the house, when the next school project is due, and where the favorite stuffed animal is hiding at any given time. And if your partner does pitch in, you might find yourself having to explain how to do it, which somehow feels harder than just doing it yourself.
Sound familiar?
If it does, you’re probably what we in the therapy world (and moms’ group chats) call the default parent. You’re not alone—and I see you. As a perinatal and postpartum therapist, I talk to mothers every day who feel overburdened, unseen, and if we’re being honest—resentful. Not because they don’t love their kids or their partners, but because the mental, emotional, and physical labor of parenting seems to be distributed with a not-so-subtle tilt.
So let’s talk about it. The mental load. The resentment. The way media either makes it worse or brushes it under the rug. And most importantly—what you can do about it.
What Is Mental Load, Anyway?
“Mental load” refers to the invisible labor of managing a household and family. It’s not just doing the things—it’s thinking about the things. It’s planning, remembering, anticipating, organizing, following up, and noticing when something needs to be done before anyone else does.
For example, physically putting dinner on the table is one task. But the mental load includes:
Remembering what's in the fridge
Knowing who eats what
Planning meals
Making the grocery list
Buying the ingredients
Thawing the chicken before it’s too late
And thinking, “Oh no, we’re out of ketchup and the 4-year-old will definitely notice.”
Most couples have a default parent. In heterosexual relationships, research shows that this mental load disproportionately falls on women—especially mothers. Even in households where both parents work full time, moms often carry the role of the project manager of the family. And unlike clocking in and out of a job, the mental load is constant. It's 24/7. Even when you're in the shower. Even when you're supposedly "off duty."
Media’s Mixed Messages
Mainstream media loves to swing between two extremes when it comes to motherhood. On one end, there’s the outdated “supermom” trope—smiling, polished, packing organic lunches in bento boxes while managing a full-time job and still making it to every soccer game. On the other end, there’s the frazzled “hot mess mom” archetype, played for laughs in sitcoms and commercials. You know the type: running late, drinking wine out of a sippy cup, hiding in the pantry for a moment of peace.
Neither of these portrayals is particularly helpful.
They oversimplify the complex emotional terrain of modern parenting. More importantly, they tend to normalize or minimize the uneven distribution of labor in homes. The “goofy but lovable” dad trope often comes with a partner who rolls her eyes but picks up the slack without protest. It’s meant to be funny—but it mirrors a dynamic many real couples are struggling with behind closed doors.
It can also reinforce the idea that mothers should be doing it all. That asking for help is nagging. That feeling resentful is something to feel guilty about. But here's what I tell my clients all the time:
Resentment is a signal.
It's not a character flaw—it's information.
It tells you something in your life is out of balance.
Let’s Talk About That Resentment
Let’s be real: resentment isn’t fun to feel. It’s uncomfortable, it can fester, and it can create emotional distance in your relationship. But it doesn’t just appear out of nowhere.
Resentment often builds when there's a mismatch between effort and recognition, or between responsibility and support. When one partner feels like they are constantly carrying more—mentally, emotionally, and logistically—without acknowledgment or relief, it’s no surprise resentment starts to bubble up.
I often describe resentment as the “check engine” light on your emotional dashboard. You can ignore it for a while, but eventually, it’s going to affect how everything runs.
So how do you begin to address it, especially if you’re exhausted and running on fumes?
Step 1: Name It Without Shame
First, give yourself permission to name what you're feeling without judgment. You don’t have to be on the verge of a breakdown to validate your own experience. Maybe it’s a quiet hum in the background of your day, or maybe it’s full-blown burnout.
You’re allowed to say, “This feels unfair,” or “I’m overwhelmed,” or even “I didn’t sign up to do this alone.” Try journaling or saying the words out loud when you're alone: "I feel resentful because…". Getting clear on why you're feeling what you're feeling is a critical first step.
Sometimes it’s hard to put into words what you’re feeling. If this is you, I recommend doing a little ready on the mental load of motherhood to see if anything resonates with you. These feelings of inequity are very common among women, and luckily many smart women have written extensively on this topic. Some of my favorites include Fair Play and Fed Up.
Step 2: Don’t Wait Until You’re Exploding
We all know the temptation—to stuff your feelings down until they erupt in a 10:30 p.m. kitchen argument about who left the laundry in the washer. But those moments rarely lead to the meaningful changes you're craving.
The first step is to get curious about your resentment. Begin to notice when feelings of resentment arise for you. What does resentment feel like in your body? Is it a buzzing sensation in your chest, or a maybe clenching in your jaw? Next, notice what thoughts swirl through your head when you’re feeling resentment? Often these thoughts include “all or nothing” or “back and white” thinking, such as, “Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?” Lastly, pay attention to trigger points to your resentment. Common trigger points are big events like birthday parties or the holidays where you find yourself planning, prepping, and executing with little to no recognition for the work.
Now that you have all of this helpful information about your resentment, you know the perfect time NOT to bring it up to your partner. You will not show up to a conversation constructively if you are reeling from overwhelm and anger. Instead, find a calm, uninterrupted time to talk to your partner. This could be weeks before the party, before you have become swamped with planning. Or maybe it’s after the holiday madness has settled and you’ve had time to reflect upon your experience. Frame the conversation not as a list of complaints, but as a desire for a more sustainable and respectful partnership. Use “I” statements to focus on how you feel and what you need, not just what they’re doing wrong.
For example:
“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the number of things I’m managing mentally and emotionally for our family.”
“I feel like I’m always ‘on,’ and it’s starting to affect my mood and patience.”
“I know we both work hard, but I’d love to find a way to share the mental load more evenly.”
Step 3: Be Specific About What You Need
Your partner might genuinely want to help but doesn’t realize how much you’re carrying—or what that actually looks like in action. Instead of hoping they’ll just “notice more,” try assigning specific, ongoing tasks they are 100% responsible for. And I do mean all the way through—not just the physical part, but the mental load that goes with it.
For example:
Instead of “Can you help with lunches this week?” try “Can you be fully in charge of school lunches from now on—including planning, shopping, packing, and clean-up?”
Instead of “Can you help with bedtime?” try “Can bedtime be your domain every night after bath time?”
When your partner owns a task from start to finish, it lifts both the burden and the brain space from you—and that’s the point.
Step 4: Be Realistic: There May Be A Learning Curve
If you are in a relationship with a man, there is a big chance that he simply was not taught to bear the mental load like you were. This is not an excuse for his behavior, but it may mean that there will be some catch-up involved to get the two of you on the same page. While having to ask your partner for help can initially feel like another task added to your mental load, understand that partnership equity does not happen overnight. Use this time as an opportunity to discuss the roles you currently play in the family and how you envision your ideal partnership to work.
Step 5: Build in Check-Ins
Just like you’d have a team meeting at work to make sure everyone’s on the same page, relationships need regular check-ins too. These don’t have to be formal or long, but carving out 10-15 minutes a week to talk about what’s working and what’s not can make a huge difference.
Ask each other:
“What’s one thing you appreciated this week?”
“What’s one thing that felt hard or heavy?”
“Is there something we can shift or redistribute?”
These conversations aren’t about blame—they’re about building a team mentality. And remember: your partner can’t grow or change in areas where they’re not even aware growth is needed.
Step 6: Stop Striving for “Equal,” Aim for “Equitable”
The truth is, parenting might never feel perfectly 50/50. Sometimes one partner is going to carry more, depending on work schedules, health, or the needs of the kids. But the goal is not rigid equality—it’s equity.
That means asking: Are we both feeling supported? Do we both have room to breathe? Are we both invested in each other’s wellbeing—not just the kids’?
Equity also means taking into account things like:
Who gets uninterrupted rest?
Who gets to leave the house alone?
Who gets to have a bad day and still be taken care of?
These things matter.
Step 7: Don’t Forget Yourself in All of This
It’s easy to become so focused on fixing the logistics that you forget to tend to your own emotional needs. But you deserve care, rest, fun, and fulfillment that isn’t just tied to being a mom or a partner.
Ask yourself:
When was the last time I did something just for me?
Am I giving myself grace and compassion, or just pushing harder?
What kind of support do I need right now?
Counseling for new moms can be a powerful tool here—not just to vent, but to reconnect with who you are outside of your roles. (And yes, perinatal and postpartum therapists like me love helping with exactly this.)
You’re Not Failing. You’re Navigating an Unbalanced System.
Let me be very clear: if you’re feeling resentful, depleted, or like you’re drowning in invisible labor, you’re not failing. You are operating in a society that still undervalues caregiving and assumes mothers will “just handle it.”
Resentment is a reasonable response to an unreasonable load.
And while you can’t change everything overnight, you can start with small, intentional shifts—in your communication, in your boundaries, and in your own self-talk.
Being the default parent can feel like a heavy, invisible job. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. You deserve a partnership where labor is seen, shared, and respected. And if you’re navigating resentment, let it be the invitation—not the indictment.
You’re not alone in this. You’re not “too sensitive” or “bad at delegating.” You’re human. And you deserve support. You are allowed to need help, ask for more, and build a life that includes you, not just your service to others.
If this post resonated with you, consider sharing it with your partner as a conversation starter—or with a fellow parent who might need to hear: You are not imagining this. And there is a better way.
Are You the Default Parent? A Postpartum Therapist in Houston, TX Can Help.
If you’re carrying the invisible weight of your family’s schedules, emotions, and everyday logistics—and you’re starting to feel the resentment bubble up—you’re not alone. Being the default parent is exhausting, and it’s okay to say that out loud. At Sarah Duran Psychotherapy, we specialize in helping mothers name, understand, and navigate the emotional toll of postpartum life. As a postpartum therapist in Houston, TX, I offer a safe, nonjudgmental space where you can explore your identity, release guilt, and create more balance in your relationships and daily life.
Resentment isn’t selfish. It’s a sign that something needs to shift. Let’s talk about what that shift could look like for you.
Reach out today to schedule a consultation.
Learn more about what postpartum therapy can offer.
You don’t have to carry the mental load alone. Let’s lighten it—together.
More Support for the Mental Load You Carry in Houston, TX
At Sarah Duran Psychotherapy, postpartum anxiety and depression therapy is just one part of the care we offer—but we know the challenges of motherhood don’t stop there. The emotional labor, the identity shifts, the grief of unmet expectations—all of it matters.
That’s why we also provide support for reproductive trauma, including infertility, pregnancy loss, and birth trauma. And if your child is struggling emotionally, our play therapy services are here to help nurture their growth—so the burden doesn’t always fall on your shoulders. You don’t have to hold it all alone. We’re here to support you and your family with care that truly sees your experience.
