“I Don’t Even Know Who I Am Anymore”: Identity Loss in Moms of Babies and Toddlers

Sometimes you look in the mirror and wonder, “Who even is this person?” The messy bun, the yoga pants that haven’t seen a yoga mat in months, the mental load of diapers, naps, feedings, and laundry... and underneath it all, you feel like some essential part of you has gone quiet, or maybe disappeared altogether.

First, let me say this: you’re not broken, and you’re not alone.

As a perinatal mental health counselor, I have this conversation nearly every day with moms of babies and toddlers. Somewhere between giving birth, adjusting to sleep deprivation, and trying to meet everyone’s needs (sometimes all at once), many moms feel like they’ve lost touch with themselves. Their sense of identity—who they are outside of “Mom”—feels like it’s been shoved in a closet under a pile of burp cloths.

Let’s talk about it.

Why Identity Loss Happens

Becoming a mother is one of the most profound identity shifts a person can experience. You’re not just adding a new role—you’re becoming someone new. And it happens fast. One day, you’re scheduling meetings and buying throw pillows at Target, and the next, you’re counting how many ounces your baby drank and wondering when you last washed your hair.

In these early days, the demands are constant. You’re needed around the clock. There’s barely time to think, let alone connect with your old hobbies, friends, or even your thoughts. Your priorities change. Your body changes. Your brain changes (yes, literally—look up “matrescence”). No wonder it feels disorienting.

This identity shift is normal—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

The Grief We Don’t Talk About

Here’s something not enough people say out loud: it’s okay to grieve the version of yourself that existed before motherhood.

Missing your old life doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. It just means you’re human. It’s possible to feel intense love and fierce devotion for your baby and simultaneously long for freedom, fun, spontaneity, or even just a full night of sleep and a hot cup of coffee.

Moms often feel guilty about these feelings, as if they undermine the love and gratitude they have for their baby. Feeling torn between who you were and who you are now is a part of the transition, like standing in the doorway between two rooms, not fully in either one.

Signs You Might Be Struggling with Identity Loss

Some moms know immediately that something feels “off.” Others don’t realize it until they wake up months or years later, not recognizing the person they have become. Here are some common signs of identity loss in motherhood:

• You don’t recognize yourself—physically, emotionally, or personality-wise

• You struggle to answer the question, “What do you like to do for fun?”

• You feel disconnected from your passions or old interests

• You experience guilt anytime you take time for yourself

• You feel invisible or unappreciated in your family

• You crave something “more,” but don’t know what that is

If any of this resonates, take a deep breath. You’re not failing. You’re becoming.

Reclaiming (or Redefining) Yourself

So, how do you find yourself again? Or maybe the better question is: how do you meet this new version of yourself?

Here are a few gentle starting points:

1. Name What You Miss
Get honest. What parts of your pre-mom life do you miss? Is it alone time? Creativity? Professional ambition? Social connection? Naming it helps you understand what parts of you are asking to be seen again.

2. Carve Out Micro-Moments
You don’t need a week-long retreat to reconnect with yourself. Even 10 minutes of something that’s just for you—reading a book, walking outside, journaling, dancing in the kitchen—can start to shift your sense of self.

3. Let Go of “Shoulds”
Stop measuring yourself against some unrealistic ideal of motherhood. You don’t need to “bounce back,” be grateful 24/7, or love every second. You’re allowed to be complex.

4. Talk About It
Seriously—talk to a friend, your partner, a therapist, or a support group. Saying it out loud takes the power out of those lonely thoughts. There’s so much healing in hearing, “Me too.”

5. Get Support if You Need It
If your identity loss is tangled up with anxiety, depression, or overwhelming sadness, please reach out to a mental health professional. There’s no shame in needing help. You deserve support.

You Are Still In There

Here’s what I want you to hear loud and clear: You haven’t disappeared. You’ve changed—and that’s okay. In fact, it’s inevitable.

Motherhood will shape you, but it doesn’t have to erase you.

It’s okay if you’re still figuring out who you are now. This chapter might be foggy, but you are not lost. You are growing, evolving, expanding. The woman you were is still within you—and so is someone entirely new, with fresh strength, depth, and wisdom.

You are still you. Just a version who’s doing incredibly hard, beautiful, transformative work. And while the world may not always see that, I do.

And I promise—one day, maybe when you least expect it, you’ll catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and think, There you are.

If you're struggling with identity loss or the emotional rollercoaster of motherhood, you're not alone. Reach out to a perinatal mental health specialist—you deserve care, too.

Because You Deserve Care, Too: Postpartum Therapy in Houston, TX

If you're struggling with identity loss, exhaustion, or simply feeling overwhelmed by the demands of new motherhood, you're not alone—and you don’t have to navigate it all by yourself. At Sarah Duran Psychotherapy, we offer compassionate, nonjudgmental support through postpartum anxiety and depression therapy in Houston, TX. Together, we can work through the guilt, find space for your needs, and help you feel more grounded in your role as both a mom and a person.

1. Reach out here so we can discuss your goals.

2. Learn more about your postpartum anxiety therapist.

3. You can love your baby and need a break. Begin your healing journey today.

More Support for You and Your Family in Houston, TX

While postpartum anxiety and depression therapy is a central focus here at Sarah Duran Psychotherapy, we know motherhood and family life come with many layers. That’s why we offer additional support for the unique challenges you may be facing. Whether you're navigating reproductive trauma, such as infertility, pregnancy loss, or birth trauma—or you're seeking play therapy to support your child’s emotional growth, you’ll find compassionate, personalized care here.